For starters, I know I’m not an exception.
I don’t claim to be some one-in-a-million woman or even all that unique. That said, I often wonder how many of my fellow single females out there feel the following:
I’m too right brain for casual dating and too left brain for love. So what am I?
My guess – royally fucked.
This time I’ve spent “testing the waters” feels like it’s been an eternity, quite frankly. Even though I’ve been single now going on only eight months and dating only four. To be fair though, in weekly newspaper time, it’s like I’ve been dating for a year and a half.
About half of you will read that, cringe, and go “Girl, you have no idea what it’s like,” and the other half I’d hope may contain some sympathetic hearts.
I’m not complaining about being single, trust me. I’m happier now than I have been in a long time – I am independent, I can bake in a sports bra and leggings and dance to Mamma Mia on blast if I so feel like it, and my closet is practically its own room. Plus, I know I can be single and THRIVE at being single. I’ve lived many more years solo than I have emotionally attached.
With that in mind, Left Brain B says “Don’t seek companionship! What if they pull you under and you sink?! Just keep treading.” and I’m good at treading. It’s not difficult, even a bit fun, but Right Brain B already has her eyes on a potential something – or someone. It could spell heartbreak, happiness, a hell-of-a good blog post if nothing else (I kid), I don’t know for sure, but it’s tempting.
Now to explain the title of this post. Rizzo is how I basically personify the Left Brain B. Though I’m actually not a huge fan of Grease (don’t hate me), I can identify with Rizzo’s tough, sarcastic, no-fucks-given personality. But, then on the other hand, the right hand, I’m still the care-package-compiling, affectionate optimist, as well. And I am quite pretty in pink.
Thus the quandary.
When is it okay for Right Brain B to have the steering wheel?
In a lot of emotional situations in my life, I’ve been notably more “left brain” than the average sane, feeling person.
I think Mr. Undecided (or as one potential suitor of mine called him recently: "the famous unstable lord") was the most recent person to elicit true anguish from me.
My father, my grandfather and Mr. Undecided – the only people to really make me cry uncontrollably. My father in a time when he wasn’t himself; my grandfather when he passed away in my absence; and Mr. Undecided on numerous occasions, ending with the day he just up and left.
In those situations, I’m not sure either side of my brain had full control, or that any of me had control for that matter.
Dealing with the aftermath though, that’s always a job for Left Brain B. The day after Mr. Undecided left, I went to work early, though my friends have told me they’d have spent the day drunk in bed. The logical part of me just wouldn’t allow for that. It wasn’t responsible and it wasn’t me.
Now though, it feels like there may be reason for Right Brain B to be excited and take a stand, but the problem is determining if I’ve left what people would consider the “aftermath” of my past relationship enough to move forward with someone else.
About 95 percent of me wants to say yes, but it’s that other dubious 5 percent which gives me pause.
The one thing the two parts of me seem to be wholly agreeing on is this:
The worst thing I could do is hurt someone. Not myself, someone else.
xo B
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