For someone who spent the better part of three months distraught over having been unceremoniously abandoned by a man boy, I honestly love being single.
As I’ve said before – and will shout again for the people in the back – dating has never been my priority. I was happy and content having not even kissed a boy until I was 20 and never been intimate with a guy until I was 21. I thought I – however overweight and overly sarcastic I was am – quite the catch, and no random, lumberjack-clad coed at a Halloween house party was going to make me bend on that.
But Mr. Undecided did.
He was a friend who sought me out as a confidant – then more – when I wasn’t looking for anything more than to be a “mom friend” to another person. He caught me unaware of my own appeal. And I was confused. Partially by the idea that a guy felt so strongly about me and partially because I was pissed at myself for letting a man be the first to inform me of how captivating my personality – and to be honest, my ass – were are.
How dare I not realize that for myself much, much sooner.
Nowadays, I’m far less modest. At least on paper.
I can’t help but be proud, a little cocky even, about my current situation. I’m living in a place I’m happy to call MY home. All mine. A place I feel at ease and comfortable bringing important people into. It fits the life I want and should be allowed to feel I deserve. I’m not Shania Twain’s “girl about 25 living in a little apartment just tryin’ to get by, livin’ on dreams and SpaghettiOs” – partially because my apartment is actually fairly spacious and also because SpaghettiOs are disgusting.
Now that you have a better picture of my life in this moment, onto why I started this.
I love being single.
When I was in the last throes of my last relationship, if I really connected with someone other than my fiancé (Mr. Undecided) I felt bad. Now I realize it’s because I didn’t have that connection with him anymore. That’s not to say I was out bonding in any romantic way with other people. If I’m with you, I’m with you. I’m loyal to a fault, and there’s no questioning my love for you. But even when I’d just really click with a friend or a colleague, I’d feel almost guilty, and I couldn’t fully understand why.
I need to be in a relationship with an equal partner. With someone who understands me and with whom I can grow as a person. If you’re not challenging each other, you’re complacent. I thought I was in that kind of relationship and I just – wasn’t. It was like I was a tree yearning to spring upward, dating a sapling that was struggling to grow. I held myself back in order to not surpass my partner, and that wasn’t fair to either of us.
Now I have room for my branches to reach out and up, without worrying I’ll shade or cover any neighboring saplings.