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  • shyannkilgore

Making Time to Live

Updated: May 5, 2019

When I first thought of starting a blog almost a year ago, I was in a deep funk. No jobs, dwindling savings, and a thoroughly crushed morale. I would wake up every morning in a progressively more numb state with nothing left to do but eat, apply for jobs, cry, consume copious amounts of YouTube content, and occasionally throw in an afternoon walk — or three. My life felt like it was stagnant, like I had just fallen through the looking glass and was watching my life pass me by. Friends were all still happy, living a life with a set path and an upward trajectory, while I was slowly tumbling down the hill of defeat.

It felt like my life wasn’t my own anymore and that all of the things I thought I should have been doing, and even worse, the things I wanted to be doing, were all out of reach. My anxiety had been dialed up to a ten, which wasn’t helped by my lack of funds, and that  created a version of myself I now work hard to stave off. Invitations were rebuffed, the ability to go out alone became tough, and the thought of leaving my bedroom bunker became daunting. I didn’t want to speak to anyone and by the time that I did I had long since become cause for concern. As I transitioned into the next phase of my life, moved, and received the job offer for a position that has me set for life, I started to pull myself back up.

When the money started to come back in and I began to recover the type-A drive I thought I’d lost, I told myself that I wouldn’t revert back to hermit status. I was going to keep reaching out to friends and family, going out alone for “me days,” and saying yes to as many invitations as my introvert brain could handle. I wanted to have a life, and more importantly I wanted to live it.  

So as of May 2018 I officially rejoined the land of the living. I had gone back to having solo movie dates, mini shopping sprees, galavanting across the state to see friends and family, girls’ weekends, bar nights, and even some solo dinner dates (a landmark event for an anxious little flower like me). I felt like I was on a roll heading into the summer and on the precipice of launching Millennial Pink with B.

One of the things that has stuck with me after starting 2019 was a blurb from a motivational calendar my friend Kim got me.

“People don’t find time, they make time.”

And I’m proud to say I certainly have made time. I’ve forgone sleep, cozy Netflix nights, and blissful PS4 time to make sure that I am out living this life I so desperately craved to save a year ago. I have pushed the bounds of comfort and experienced things that would have once triggered a knock out drag out nauseating fevered panic.

Post blog, I’ve felt even more emboldened to get out there and say “yes.” I’ve trekked for holiday weekends to the Tri-Cities, explored the bars and restaurants of downtown Tacoma and Lakewood, made new friends at work, launched water lanterns with thousands of strangers in Seattle, smelled the endless field of tulips in Woodburn, Oregon (keep an eye on the Blonde Bond page for more about this), stopped to visit Mount St. Helens, and visited the world’s largest Spruce tree on an adventure through Washington’s National rainforest — to name a few.

The last year of my life has helped me find all sorts of courage and taught me to seek reassurance from myself. And while the blog may give me the invisible push to follow through, I’m certainly not making time to “do it for the ‘gram.” I’m living my life for me.

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